When someone asks if you want the rest of their delicious, delicious french fries

When Someone Says “Your Welcome” instead of “You’re Welcome”
…bitch I don’t own a welcome.

When someone asks me why I’m single…
…I don’t know, ask all the people who won’t date me.

…but the truth of the matter is…

…which is why I’d never survive a diet.

When people ask what I do for a living.

When the clamshell packaging of your new shiny says “Easy Open”

When you do something nice for someone

When you’re trying not to fall asleep

How it feels when you show up to a party and you don’t know anyone

When someone rips off the blankets to wake you up

…but then you find out it flies.

When you’re in a meeting that goes past five on a Friday.

The first time you drop your phone…

..and the millionth time you drop your phone.

After being at work for fifteen minutes.

When you look in the yearbook years after you’ve graduated.

When your crush asks what kind of guy you’re into

Waking up every. damn. morning.

When someone wakes you up for something stupid

When your friend says she’s getting back together with her ex

When the commercial is louder than the show

When you know someone’s secret and they don’t know that you know, and you know they don’t know you know.

When you remember that really important thing that you forgot… and now it’s too late.

When you had to babysit as a kid

You go into a room only to find a giant spider is already in there

How it feels when you do something embarrassing in public

When someone aims a rubber band at you

That one guy you can never seem to get away from

How you are around that other guy

When you try to hit the high notes

When I post something amazingly witty and funny on Facebook and it gets no likes

When a stranger knocks on the door when you’re home alone doing those weird single things we all do

Every time I try to read lips

When you find a picture of your ex you thought you’d gotten rid of already

When you stub your toe

Finding out your crush is seeing someone

When you ask someone how they are doing… and they actually tell you

My cats at 3am

My cats at 5am

My cats at 6pm

Me talking to my cats at 6pm

How I think I look when I’m making a sexy face

How I actually look when I’m making a sexy face

Watching Game of Thrones with your parents and there’s a reaaaally long sex scene

When you’re in public and suddenly you need a bathroom right away

When you know someone just told you a lie and you’re waiting for them to finish their story so you can call them out on it

When your friends ask you to happy hour and it’s the day before payday

When your friend tells the same joke you told them but they get more laughs off of it

How I feel whenever someone mispronounces “meme”

When you think a story someone is telling you is over… and then it isn’t.

When someone plays a trick on you

When you stand up to walk and your foot is asleep

When couples refer to themselves as “Mommy” and “Daddy”

When you see the new photo on your driver’s license

How you feel when you find out you’re gonna have a third date with someone you really like

When I found out some people stand up to wipe

When I’m having an anti-social weekend

When you get shampoo in your eyes

When you see a mosquito on that one person you don’t like very much

When you’re trying to find a signal on your cellphone

Using ketchup at home

Using ketchup on a date

When your mom calls you by the wrong name

The first time you touched an iPhone

When someone says your name and you aren’t a part of the conversation

Doing stupid shit with your best friend

Drinking OJ when you’ve forgotten that you’ve just brushed your teeth

When you get a text and it isn’t from your crush

When your crush asks you out

When you go into one of those detached gas station restrooms

When you make a Facebook post you thought was funny but it didn’t get any ‘likes’

Taking a picture with your friends

Looking at the picture you just took with your friends

When a couple has dated for all of two weeks and they’re “in love”

Taking warm towels out of the dryer

When you fall in love with a pair of shoes but then see the outrageous price tag

When you see someone doing math without a calculator

When Hollywood makes a movie based on your favorite book and they ruin it