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[SCENE: It is mid afternoon, the weather is clear. ERIN, is a mid-twenties woman driving on the interstate, singing along with the radio, alongside a late model Buick, driven by FRANK and MAUDE, a couple clearly in their 70s]

ERIN: ♫…but rumor has it she ain’t got your love anymore… ♩♬ Hey what the fuck, asshole?

[The Buick has suddenly moved into her lane in front of her, without a turn signal and is doing approximately 50mph in the left "speeding" lane]

MAUDE: Frank! We’re in the fast lane!

FRANK: You think that’s something? Watch this. [he increases the speed of the car to 55mph]

MAUDE: Oh Frank! You’re such a risk taker!

FRANK: What do you say we speed the whole way and get home a little sooner? (winks at MAUDE)

MAUDE: Oh, Frank…

[FRANK and MAUDE continue to go 55mph in the left lane. ERIN rages and screams, unable to get around the Buick, while Adele sings on in the background.]

***This is the only explanation I have for the bullshittery this morning.***

NOW I’m ready for the day.

So I talked about it for years, and finally went and did it.

I got my motorcycle license and a bike. That right there is my 2007 Suzuki GS500F. And it is awesome.

So, the brilliant guys over at Old Spice made a voicemail generator featuring the Old Spice Guy (the ever sexy Isaiah Mustafa), which is just freaking awesome except that to use it, you have to hold your phone up to your computer speakers, resulting in a much less awesome, but still awesomer than most, yet still low-quality version of what should be the most amazing, intimate moment of voicemail one can experience – Isaiah Mustafa whispering in your ear, of course.

Unless you’ve a jailbroken iPhone. Oh you do, do you? Have a seat and let’s put some much needed Old Spice into the lives of the people who call you.

You will need: a program to navigate the file structure of your iPhone. I use PhoneView, but I suppose SFTP, iPHUC, or iFuntastic will work too, although I personally have never used any of those programs.

How it works: Voicemail files aren’t actually saved to the iPhone, but to AT&T’s servers – we are going to trick the iPhone into uploading Isaiah Mustafa’s sweet, sultry voice to AT&T, who will then relay it to your phone so that it may resound out of your voicemail and into the ears and souls of the people who call you that you don’t want to talk to.

Alright, first things first, we have to convert the mp3 file you want to use into the Adaptive Multi-Rate (AMR) format. I used Media Convert. Save it as ‘Greeting.amr’.

Okay, now you have an AMR file. On your iPhone, go into your greeting and press record for a few seconds. Press stop, but don’t save it yet! Here’s where you get into the phone. Use PhoneView (or what have you) and navigate over to /User/Library/Voicemail (it may be in another location depending on your iOS). See the file that says ‘Greeting.amr’? Delete it, and replace it with your new Old Spiceified ‘Greeting.amr’. On the iPhone, click play and see if it works. Men will know it was successful when they realize they want to smell like Old Spice and not a lady, and ladies will know it works when… well, trust me ladies, you’ll just know. Tap save to send it off into the ether of AT&T’s servers, and then let all your calls go to voicemail from now on.

break the
monotony.
do something
strange &
extravagant!

Exclamation of enjoyment of this parody!

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